I posted for the first time in a long time on the old social media this weekend. What I had to say seemed to resonate with a few of you, so I thought it might help to go into more detail about what’s helped get me through a rough spell of a grief-centred shit-storm.
Ahem.
To put it nicely.
Switch Off
One of the reasons I withdrew from the online world was to just give my head a bit of space and a dose of reality that wasn’t from a phone screen full of filtered lives. I love the community on Instagram and Facebook but at times it can feel like you’re competing in some sort of popularity contest with no real winner. Much better to face these things when you’re in a better frame of mind.
Speak Up
I’ve made an effort to speak more about how I’m dealing (or not) with what happened to my dad and the shock and trauma of his sudden death has had on me. Talking about how you feel is tricky at the best of times, let alone when you can’t even put into words what this is. How do you explain the physical ache in your chest or the rock in your throat or the anger that courses through you or the bleakness that swallows you? Especially when these things come in waves, good days and bad days. Hell, I can have good hours and bad hours in the same day! It’s a rollercoaster ride but one that you need to be on with sympathetic and loving people around you who are willing to listen.
Go Professional
I had my name down on the Cruse Bereavement list for almost eight months. It’s run by trained volunteers (most have had their own dealings with grief and loss) and receives no government funding, hence the wait. I’ve now been seeing a wonderful woman once a week for the past few weeks and am blown away at the difference this has made. Therapy isn’t for everyone, opening up to a complete stranger ain’t easy and I’ve heard that finding someone you click with isn’t a guarantee but for me this has been priceless. There’s also plenty of phone helplines such as:
Samaritans - Confidential support for people experiencing feelings of distress or despair. Phone: 116 123 (free 24-hour helpline)
Mind - Promotes the views and needs of people with mental health problems. Phone: 0300 123 3393 (Mon-Fri, 9am-6pm)
Anxiety UK - Charity providing support if you’ve been diagnosed with an anxiety condition. Phone: 03444 775 774 (Mon-Fri, 9.30am-5.30pm)
Doctor Doctor
I’d never considered speaking to my GP about how I was feeling unless I had a physical problem. It foolishly felt very self-indulgent wasting her time with my sadness. Except this was more than feeling a little sad. This was me struggling to cope, hysterical with anxiety and scared of how much I’d lost control. It’s stupid. I mean, if I broke my ankle I’d go to the hospital, take medication and rest to allow it to heal. I’ve not got physical injury but I have faced a huge shock and trauma so why wouldn’t I take medicine for a broken mind?
Be Kind To Yourself
It became apparent that I’ve not been so good about the old self-care and that as I have someone dependent on me this needs to be a priority. How can you fit someone else life jacket if you can’t fit your own? Basically, I’d been running on empty yet keeping up appearances and pretences like everything was fine. I’ve now made plans to invest in Katy. To spend guilt free time doing bits and bobs that make me happy, such as read a new book, take myself for cake, get a massage, do a fitness class and use eye cream. It’s the little things that go a long way to making you feel like you again!
I’m not naive. There is a long road ahead with bumps and diversions and other analogies of traffic-related drama up ahead. But instead of fretting and getting anxious about the future I’m making a conscious effort to focus on the NOW. What can I do right now that is going to help me?
If you’re going through a similar experience then I’d love to know other tips or tricks you use when the bad days hit. I’m also sending you loads of love, strength and positivity as it’s not pretty but you are strong enough.
We both are.
