There are some things that only happen when you’re on a week or two week holiday. Counting your sleeps before you leave, stressing about how much your suitcase weighs and setting your out of office on your emails ever so smugly. You’ve worked hard for this break, whether it’s a package deal, all-inclusive or just a week away in the sun, you can be guaranteed of one of these things happening to you. From grumbling with strangers as you wait for you bags to arrive to crossing every finger that your hotel is going to look exactly like it did in the photos. Ain’t holidays brilliant!
1/ Drinking coke or lemon Fanta out of glass bottles – is it me or does this just taste SO much better?
2/ Lucky lucky men trying to sell you tatt you don’t need on the beach, managing to somehow wear thirteen fake raybans piled upon their heads.
3/ Counting your mosquito bites like it’s some sort of competition to have legs that resemble an itchy blotchy dot to dot.
4/ Eating outside as the air cools but your sun burn stings.
5/ Stressing about bagsying a sunbed. ‘You get up early today and put the towels out,’ ‘Sod it, I’m going to sleep here all night so I get the best bed’.
6/ Playing in the swimming pool until your fingertips prune. You can still get a tan in the water didn’t you know, yeah cos everyone wants that brown face and paled shrivelled up body look.
7/ Sausage legs selfies. If I angle my phone just right no one will know I’ve been stuffing myself at the all-inclusive buffet like a hefty porker.
8/ Tan lines competition. Who’s got the pastiest bum cheeks?
9/ Buying clothes you’d never wear back in the UK. Damn it I’m bringing back the sarong as everyday wear.
10/ Buying souvenirs that seem exotic and interesting but just look plain naff in your flat back home.
11/ Pegging your wet towel or cozzie on your balcony to dry.
12/ Raving to a Barry White tribute act.
13/ Being in awe at how the travel reps have so much boundless energy. Wishing they would just piss off at the same time.
14/ Attempting to chat with the locals by raising your voice, missing out words in sentences and gesturing wildly. Do YOU Selllllll BEEEEEER? Hey, whatdya know he understood me! This language lark’s a breeze.
15/ Having pre-drinks before you go out in the evenings to save money. Regretting that cheap litre of local paint stripper for just five euros immediately.
16/ Looking at others and judging their tans by how long they’ve been here. I’m going to be as tanned as she is when I leave, she’s Spanish love.
17/ Struggling to make the air con works so you’re not cryogenically frozen in your sleep.
18/ Going off on excursions that the tour rep bullied you into, only to be stuck on a stuffy coach with Barbara from Plymouth for hours on end.
19/ Wishing you’d bought a go pro. Wishing you hadn’t bought a crappy selfie stick.
20/ Spending a huge chunk of your holiday spends at the airport. It’s like monopoly money this!
21/ Being obsessed with the temperature like some poor man’s weatherman. 31 degrees! Can you believe it? Then moaning that you like it hot. But this is too hot and finding out that the UK had an unexpected heatwave the week you went away. Damn it.
Summer holidays just wouldn’t be the same otherwise! What would you add to this list?
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